This past Sunday Jimmy and I had a long conversation on the way home from spending the day with the kids. I have been bottling a lot up inside and not sharing how I really feel or writing my thoughts out. I haven’t written a journal in a long time and I have cried a lot since this process started. In the past week or so I have broken down so many times. It has been a rough month.

We knew going into fostering it would be hard. But hard doesn’t even describe what we are going through. This is one of the hardest and most challenging thighs we have done. We truly love these kids so much, but we feel like we aren’t getting anywhere in the process. We have a good relationship with the kids. The lack of communication is driving us crazy. Me in particular because I am an organizer and planner.  We have so many questions and some concerns with this process and we can’t get answers. I said to someone today that we have been ghosted, I mean I hate to say that, but that is how we feel. How as the case worker are you not checking in with us?We send emails…nothing. Sent a text…nothing. We think the process for the kids needs to be moving quicker, not being dragged out for 6 months. No one has asked our thoughts or even checked in with us. 

We met the kids on January 6. Right after that we started doing Sunday visits with them. We love our visits with them, what we don’t love is the 3 hour drive there and 3 hour drive back. We are going to visit them in an area we don’t know. We pray every week that it doesn’t rain, because they love being outside. However when it rains we are scrambling to find something to do. We pack their lunches and snacks and buy them dinner before we drop them off. The kids love having the opportunity to do things, because they really haven’t had the chance to do much. For January and February, we did one weekend visit at our house. Including finding out at 9am in the morning we had them for the weekend. Yes that morning we got a text from the foster mom saying I will see you at 430 today. 

We were told in the beginning of February the plan was to move them after school was out in June from our case worker. We were also told that in March we could start every other weekend for visits at our house. When we tried to talk to the foster mom about it, she had no idea what we were talking about. In fact basically everything she told Jimmy was the exact opposite of what we were told from our worker. Come to find out her case worker hasn’t talked to her. Like why aren’t we talking to each other? Why aren’t we having a conference call to discuss it. Why are we dragging this out? This is people’s lives here. This is really hard for the kids and us. We have such a bond with them. We have been praying since the beginning of this journey that God would prepare our hearts and the kids’ hearts. We really believe He has been doing that, we have seen that since our first visit. 

The kids don’t want to leave when they are with us at our house. Both times they came here they were so sad to leave. They told us they didn’t want to leave. They love having their rooms. They love that I work from home and they won’t have to go to after school daycare. They are excited that we will take them to school and pick them up. They love that they get one on one time with us for homework. They love to play outdoors and are thrilled we have a big backyard for them to play. They will be even more excited about their next visit here with us, our back yard will be fenced in. We make a point to give them each individual time and do family activities. 

What we are learning is that the system is so messed up. Workers are being overworked, kids need home, visits aren’t happening and emails are being unread. I could keep going on and on, but I won’t. It is so frustrating and I understand why there is a need for foster parents and workers. Honestly we might even have a new caseworker?

What I am personally learning is that my hope, faith and patience are being tested more than ever. I am really struggling with this whole process. Like I said this is SOOOOOO MUCH harder than we ever thought it would be. I have been asking God for a sign and to move this mountain, neither has happened, so I am trying to be patient. I have let this whole situation of no communication consume me and I had to make a point to stop that this week. I want to fix this, but I can’t. I have been getting on my knees every night, praying and crying to God this week. I’ve been asking Him to restore my hope and faith and grant me patience. This week has been a better week, yes I am still frustrated and yes I feel like we are being taken advantage of. There are times I struggle through the day, because I miss these kids so much. When I feel things starting to get the best of me I pray and talk to God. Sometimes I go for a walk for a sense of peace and calmness from God. I know God is in control and this is His timing, not mine. I do have more hope and faith than I did two weeks ago. Every time we say goodbye to the kids, I feel like my heart is being ripped out. 

So what is next, well right now we still have them for one weekend a month and we drive out the rest of the Sundays to spend the day with them. We get one phone call a week with them and we can’t change that day. There are some days that Jimmy is working on Thursday. The only time we asked to change the day because he was working, she said would make an exception, but Thursday is the day. Like seriously, why be rude and why not work on coparenting with us? We know we will look back on this time and thank God for taking us through it. We know the hurt, pain, frustration and tears will all be worth it when they move in with us.

So please pray this process moves quicker, we truly believe it will be better for the kids. Pray for me. Pray for Jimmy and me. Pray for the kids. They will get to be kids, experience life and will be loved so much more than they already are. 

Love,

Billie-Jo