Last weekend was one of my hardest weekends since this journey started with the kids. I felt like I failed them over and over. Not that I did, but in my eyes I saw it as failing. It’s like we take a few steps forward with the kids and then they leave and take a few steps back. While I am not failing it is an uphill battle. I see the kids make progress and then when we have them for a Sunday or a weekend it is like we are starting from square 1 with things. A few times this week I went to ask one of them a question and I realized they aren’t here. Cashew is always looking for them, but she is also enjoying all her nap time.
My sisters were here and Jimmy worked Friday and Saturday. Thankfully one of my sisters went with me to pick the kids up. That drive takes a lot out of me and when I do it by myself it is harder. It was great having them here but also hard at the same time. I am not sure if I was trying to prove to them that I could handle everything or if I felt like they were judging me or both things. I was very nervous about having them down. We had a long talk Sunday that helped me so much. I had so much buried inside that I needed to get out. They told me to focus on a couple things with the kids and once they have that down go to the next thing. They gave me a lot of great advice. My sisters played board games and educational games with them. We all went on a hike. The middle one is learning to take pictures and loves it.
When the oldest asked why I was crying, I told her I would tell her later. When I finally told her, I started getting tears in my eyes. It was hard telling the oldest that I felt like I failed them this weekend. She was like no you didn’t. I explained to her that I am very hard on myself and I related to her with how she felt about playing soccer this week. She told me that me and Mr. Jim explains things to her better than anyone has in her life. She understands what we are saying and appreciates our honesty. We promised these kids that we would always be honest with them.
This journey is hard for both sides. Especially when the kids tell us they don’t want to leave us and want to live with us. We have had some concerns with the foster parent that we have brought up to our case worker and her response we need to pick our battles. However after this weekend there was more information that we gave her. She was going to talk to her supervisor about it, but in the meantime the kids case worker is long there and they have a new one. We have no idea what she knows or doesn’t know. At least now we feel like we can give her all this information. Who knows if the kids know they have a new worker. There is a chance things could change for the better or worse in the coming days with the kids having a new caseworker. We would love for them to move over Spring Break. The attention that Jimmy and I can give these kids is what they need. They are learning so much with us. I have been clinging to Proverbs 3:5-6.
The kids decided they wanted to try Children’s church at our church. The oldest did great with it. When we took them, the youngest just broke down in tears. She clung to me and didn’t want us to leave her. She was very scared, we aren’t sure why. I lost it and started crying. I felt so bad for her that she was scared. It was so hard. The middle decided to stay. So Jimmy, the youngest and I went to church. Well a few minutes later the middle came to church. He missed the youngest. But as soon as church was over, the middle was like we have to go get sissy. We were like we are going. We know that eventually they will all get used to church and want to go to children’s church. They will learn that we won’t leave them and we will pick them up. So there definitely will be adjustment when they move here. So now we are questioning if the two youngest will be okay at a day camp.
I have shed more tears this past week, than I have in awhile. It is hard to take them back after a weekend. There is so much navigation in this process. I struggle with not being able to plan anything or having my life in limbo. I know in the end it will be worth it, but the unknown right now is very hard for me.
Please continue to pray for us and the kids. Pray they move here soon!
That’s the Dish from my Kitchen to your Kitchen 💕