This week really broke me in many ways and it has caused many doubts for me.

We got to spend the day with the kids this past Sunday. While it was a great day hiking it also was a very hard day for us, especially me. Last weekend when the kids were here they kept saying shhh we aren’t allowed to talk about that or we aren’t allowed to talk about our mom. This really bothered us, because we know keeping things bottled up inside us isn’t healthy for anyone, especially children. So while we were in the car Sunday we said to the kids, we just want you to know that you can talk to us about anything and we really mean it. They said we aren’t allowed to talk to you about our mom or dad or other things. I asked why and they said FP and SW said we aren’t allowed. This really blew me away. Why are we telling kids they can’t talk about things? It makes me wonder if there are things that are going on in their home or school they can’t talk about. Jimmy and I have so many concerns about the safety of these kids. There are so many red flags. We sent an email this week to our case worker, hoping she represents us and our care to the kids’ new worker. Which by the way as of now they don’t know they have a new one. 

On our hike I had some really good conversations with our oldest FD. We talked about it’s okay to go to therapy, it’s okay to be scared, sad. I told her how losing my Mom and best friend in such a short time apart really affected me. I didn’t talk about it and it took me down a bad path at being mad at God. I was telling how we are scared about this path but sometimes being scared is okay. I said to her that I don’t want to fail her. As long as I’m doing my best for God then I will be the best person for Jimmy, cashew and them. She really appreciates the openness and honesty. I feel like they aren’t being told the truth. We told them we would always be honest with them. They had mentioned last weekend they wanted to live with us. I asked if that was still true and she said yes. I asked if she wanted to move before or after school and she said before. She wants to be able to say goodbye to friends but she wants to start a new chapter as a family with us. She told Jimmy she wanted us to be their forever family. 

The youngest FD is always so excited to see us. And she is very attached to us. She has told us many times she doesn’t ever want us to leave her and she thinks we won’t come back for her. We are always telling her we will always be here for them and I promised we would always be there for her,  her sister and brother. We also noticed the FS and youngest FD don’t really get to have play dates. Not sure if it is because they are afraid of being apart or they aren’t allowed to. We can tell that having a male role model in the FS life really makes a positive impact on him.

It’s hard to fight for them when we don’t get a chance to say what we really want and the concerns we have about their current situation. As foster parents we walk a tight line. If we say something the kids worker doesn’t like they can stop the process with a snap of their fingers. Which isn’t healthy for the kids. Our worker has been hesitant in saying our concerns to their worker. We are praying for her to really represent our case to the new worker. We need someone to fight for us, but not sure she will. Going into this week we really thought the kids would be moving sooner than later. They were asking about school and wanted the information. 

Then it came crashing down. I got my hopes up for nothing. We found out that they are going to wait to move the kids without even talking to us, hearing all of our concerns about the FP or talking to the kids. When I got this call I just fell to the ground and started crying after we got off the phone. I really didn’t know what to do or say. I just sat there and cried. When I asked our case worker if she had told them all of concerns she said she didn’t, she said she told them some of them. Pretty sure I cried for a few days, tears of sadness, tears of frustration and tears of anger. It’s so frustrating and the system is so messed up. If I’m being totally honest with you I have my doubts that they will even move within us. That is really hard for me to fathom but it is true. As much as I’m trying to trust God I’m mad at Him right now. I know I shouldn’t be and that He has a plan that is better than ours. But this hurts so much. It was like my hope and faith were high and it all came crashing down. This is really taking me a while to process. I truly thought they would be moving in soon, now I have so many doubts about it. How can they be okay with a FP saying they depend on the stipend, who can’t even make sure the kids are in proper seatbelts in the car? Or make sure they are bathed regularly. They made this decision without talking to us or the kids. They can’t look at all the cases the same, but they do. Our case is so different from any other case. 

Would their minds change if they saw the kids with us? How we can help them with homework? They wouldn’t have to go after school day care? How the kids want to live here and they will thrive here? No one will give us a date on when they move. There are so many red flags and trying to get information is almost impossible. I know some FP have great experiences with SW and CW, unfortunately ours has not been that case. Sometimes I feel like we are in this alone. I have cried so many times about the whole situation. 

This week has been really draining for me. While I am excited to get the kids for Spring break, I am also scared. Driving out there to pick them up and bring them back by myself is very taxing. I also know at the end of the week, they are going to have a harder time going back. The back and forth has to continue for at least two more months.How is that fair to the kids? My heart just breaks for them. I know questions are going to come up and  we are going to have to answer them.

I am trying really hard to trust God and have faith. This week it has all been tested, my faith and hope. So if you see me or talk to me, know I am trying my best to smile and faith in God. I am trying to be strong and courageous. 

That’s the Dish from my Kitchen to your Kitchen ????

Billie-Jo