I am so happy that August has come and gone. It was a super tough month for Jimmy and I. We had to put Cashew down midway through the month and that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Watching the pain in the eyes of my kids was so hard. Even though they only knew Cashew for a year and half, they loved her so much. They still say how much they miss her. JJ was singing a song wishing she would come back down to earth to be with us because we all miss her so much. Isabella is wearing her collar because she wants to feel close to her. All this just hurts. I lost my little bestie and my sidekick of 16 years.
Then on the last day of August, three days before we were supposed to leave for vacation, Jimmy and I received some very bad and shocking news. If I am honest I am still floored and can’t believe it. We went back and forth if we were still going to go away, but Jimmy insisted on going. I didn’t want to go, but I knew Jimmy needed to go. We needed to process things and figure out some things, like what was next for us. I was talking to my sister right after we got the news and she said God has a plan and remembered that. Not always easy, but it is so true.
Off we went on our kid free vacation and I was nervous and scared. It was the first time we left the kids overnight, even though I knew they were in good hands. Isabella was crying the whole night before and in the morning when we left. She was so afraid I wasn’t coming back. We flew to LA for the day to watch a baseball game, the flight out was pretty good. Things were a little quiet, but we both were tired and drained. What I wasn’t expecting was quietness and I mean barely any talking. I never knew things could be so quiet between Jimmy and I. Jimmy and I can always talk about anything and we always find things to laugh about. I was scared and I was fighting back tears as best I could. We both were hurting from something that neither of us did anything wrong and were totally blind sided by it. We were mad and angry, and I know we aren’t the only ones that were. So many emotions we were going through and the unknown scared us. That entire day I kept praying to God to help us talk through this. I begged God to help us, because I knew He was the only person that could. I just wanted to cry and I had a feeling it was gonna be a long vacation. I wanted to help Jimmy get through this. I didn’t want him to hurt, he didn’t deserve what happened to him at all.
Finally after the game and we were driving around we finally started talking. He finally started talking and let everything he was feeling out. We both had been holding in so many emotions with Cashew’s death and with this news we got. The floodgates of tears and emotions just came out for both of us. It wasn’t fair what was going on, but as we talked we started feeling better. What we see as unfair in life, isn’t unfair in God’s eyes. He is telling us “I’ve got this amazing plan and it is better than you can imagine. It is okay that it still hurts, just trust me.”
By the time we left for Vegas, we both were in a better place. We know deep down inside God has a better plan than we can imagine. Even though we were hurting and didn’t understand, we ended up having a great vacation and so much fun. We chose not to let the bad news define us, instead to let God use us through this. Jimmy and I are learning to let go of things and focus on our relationship with God, our marriage and family. I am reading a book called “Fear Is Not The Boss Of Me” and one of the chapters hit home with me. I had to share it with Jimmy. It talked about letting go of the hurt, the feelings of failure, the it’s not fair and just letting it go. Do you know how hard it is to let go of something that doesn’t make sense and if you asked most people they wouldn’t agree with what happened. So the last day we were in Vegas we wrote all that hurt out on a piece of paper and ripped it up and threw it away. We wanted to leave it there and come home and move on with our lives.
During one of our many conversations, I said I think we lost focus on us, we became complacent and we weren’t constantly putting God first. God wanted our attention and boy did He get it. I asked Jimmy what his dream was, where did he want to be in five years? He didn’t know, he hadn’t really spent time dreaming. He was in a good place, with family and work. That made me sad. I think as humans and children of God we should be dreaming and wanting to really fulfill that purpose God has put on our hearts and why He created us. We started talking about dreams and where we would like to be in 5 years. Even though we don’t know where we will be, it felt so good to give ourselves permission to dream. Especially for me and watching Jimmy really think about his dreams. For so long he has put my dreams in front of his and hasn’t really thought about his dreams. We are excited about the future. Excited to see God’s plan and all that He has for us and our family.
I have been reading so many Bible verses and digging into the Bible after we received what we saw as bad news. Reading I was constantly reminded that God’s plan is better than ours and that all things work together for the good. We have to have big faith and align our purpose in life with what is God’s purpose for our lives. All this made me think of the book of Esther that I was finishing up in my devotion. God isn’t mentioned one time throughout the book of Esther, but he is so present in the book. God was constantly working behind the scenes and preparing Esther and Mordecai for HIS plan. He prepared Esther for such a time as this. That is what He is doing with us. God has put us on this earth for a purpose and we are realizing that God is preparing us for such a time as this and are we ready to say yes to Him.
If you know anything about me at all, it is that I love Jimmy with everything inside me and when he hurts I hurt. When someone does something wrong to him, I want to go Jersey on that person. Jimmy is the kindest, most loving and hardest working person I know. I respect him more than anyone else on this earth. He is honest and integrity is so important to him. He wants everyone he knows to succeed and be the best version of themselves. Through all we have gone through the last week or so, my respect for him has grown even more. Instead of taking this situation as a bad thing, He is letting God use it and him. His faith has been so strong and he truly was able to forgive this person. He left the hurt, the pain and all that negative stuff in Vegas. Me on the other hand I am trying to let it go and most days I do. Jimmy is reminding me that God is in control. Jimmy always says he works for God, not anyone else. Jimmy is such an amazing man and I am so lucky to have him as my husband and best friend.
So here is to remembering God is in control and His plan is so much better than we can imagine.